1. “You should go find someone else.”

What it actually means:

"I’m not good enough, and I’m afraid you’re about to abandon me. Instead of waiting for that to happen, I’ll push you away first to stay in control."

Dismissive avoidants fear rejection but often mask this with preemptive detachment.

2. [Visibly upset] “I’m fine. Nothing happened.”

What it actually means:

“I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings and don’t want to seem vulnerable or weak.”

For avoidants, admitting emotional discomfort can feel like exposing a weakness. They may downplay or outright deny their true feelings to maintain emotional distance.

3. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

What it actually means:

“It’s not nothing, but I’m downplaying the situation because dealing with deep emotions makes me uncomfortable.”

Dismissing your feelings is a defense mechanism to avoid their own discomfort and maintain emotional control.

4. [While arguing] “You’re crazy.”

What it actually means:

“I’m dismissing your feelings because acknowledging them would force me to deal with my own discomfort and fears.”

By labeling you as "crazy," the dismissive avoidant shifts the focus away from their own emotional struggles and deflects responsibility.

5. “We should break up.”

What it actually means:

“I’m scared of the emotional depth you’re seeking, so I’d rather end things than face the vulnerability that comes with commitment.”

When emotional intimacy feels overwhelming, avoidants may push for a breakup to escape the perceived threat of closeness.

6. “You’re too needy.”

What it actually means:

“Your emotional needs scare me. I struggle to meet them, so I’ll label them as ‘clingy’ to justify pulling away.”

Rather than admitting their own limitations, dismissive avoidants may criticize your needs to avoid feeling inadequate.

7. “Just go do all that stuff with someone else.”

What it actually means:

“Too much time together makes me feel smothered, so I’m pushing for distance to feel in control.”

Time apart allows dismissive avoidants to regulate their emotions and regain their sense of autonomy.

How to Respond to a Dismissive Avoidant

Engaging with a dismissive avoidant requires a balance of understanding their fears and maintaining your emotional boundaries.

Tips for navigating these conversations:

1. Don’t take their words personally: Their behavior reflects their internal struggles, not your worth.
2. Set boundaries: Protect your emotional well-being by clearly stating what you need in a relationship.
3. Communicate with empathy: Acknowledge their discomfort but avoid enabling their avoidance patterns.
4. Encourage openness, but don’t force it: Give them space to process emotions, but don’t compromise your needs to accommodate their detachment.

Conclusion

What dismissive avoidants say often masks their deeper fears of vulnerability and rejection. While it’s important to understand their perspective, it’s equally crucial to prioritize your own emotional health.

If you’ve encountered these patterns, reflect on your boundaries and whether the relationship dynamic meets your needs. Remember, healthy relationships thrive on mutual emotional availability and respect.