They Will Tell You They're Emotionally Unavailable... But in Their Own Language

Let's translate common avoidant phrases into plain English to understand what they really mean.

1. "My ex was too emotional and wanted too much from me."

Translation: I struggle to handle emotional intimacy and tend to blame others for it.

When someone criticizes their ex for being "too emotional" or "needy," it's often a red flag. They're signaling that they have difficulty dealing with emotional depth and may deflect responsibility by blaming past partners.

What to Watch For:

• Deflecting Blame: They rarely acknowledge their role in past relationship issues.
• Lack of Empathy: They may dismiss or belittle emotional expressions.
• Pattern of Short Relationships: Frequent breakups over similar issues.

2. "I’m looking for someone who’s strong and independent."

Translation: I don’t want to feel needed because it makes me uncomfortable.

While valuing independence is healthy, emphasizing it excessively can indicate discomfort with emotional dependence. They prefer relationships where they don't have to provide deep emotional support.

What to Watch For:

• Avoidance of Vulnerability: They steer clear of deep conversations.
• Surface-Level Interactions: The relationship lacks emotional depth.
• Distance When You Need Support: They withdraw when you express needs.

3. "I’m just not great at relationships."

Translation: I’m scared of intimacy, and connection feels overwhelming, so I self-sabotage.

This self-deprecating statement serves as a preemptive excuse for future distancing behaviors. They might use it to avoid accountability when they pull away.

What to Watch For:

• Inconsistency: Hot and cold behavior patterns.
• Self-Sabotage: Creating conflicts or withdrawing to avoid closeness.
• Lack of Commitment: Hesitancy to define or progress the relationship.

4. "I have a very busy lifestyle."

Translation: I use work or busyness as a way to avoid emotional closeness.

Being busy is normal, but consistently prioritizing work or other activities over the relationship can be a sign of avoidance.

What to Watch For:

• Limited Availability: They often cancel plans or are hard to pin down.
• Superficial Communication: Conversations lack depth due to time constraints.
• Emotional Distance: Busyness serves as a barrier to intimacy.

5. "I’m not easy to be with."

Translation: I'm warning you that I’ll keep my walls up and expect you to adjust to them.

This is a subtle way of saying they won't make efforts to improve the relationship dynamics and expect you to accept their emotional unavailability.

What to Watch For:

• Resistance to Change: Unwillingness to work on relationship issues.
• Expecting You to Adapt: Placing the burden of adjustment on you.
• Maintaining Walls: Keeping you at arm's length emotionally.

Avoidants Might Not Say "I'm Emotionally Unavailable" Outright, But Their Actions and Phrases Often Scream It

Recognizing these early signs is crucial:

• Protect Your Heart: Avoid investing in a relationship that lacks emotional reciprocity.
• Save Time: Identify incompatibilities before becoming deeply involved.
• Empower Yourself: Make choices that align with your emotional needs.